my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Randomize
