we need to drink 2009 down the drain
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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