When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I understand Curling. That high.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
