wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
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