Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
