You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
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