The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
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