NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
May the power of my ass compel you!!
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
