can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
i dont even know how to be here
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Randomize
