we have officially lost it.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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