You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
