sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
