If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Randomize
