her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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