Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Randomize
