i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
my poor anus
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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