i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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