legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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