she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
