I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Randomize
