Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
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