I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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