Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
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