It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize