Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
