I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Randomize
