What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I hope my theory books are in my locker, but if not, I guess I can always share with you.
Who said I want to share with you?
You've sucked my dick, I'm pretty sure you don't care if I look at your theory book.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
