I met the friendliest cop last night
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
