You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Randomize
