i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
