Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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