Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize