Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
