My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Randomize
