She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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