Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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