I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
