You smell like stripper and shame
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
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