Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
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