moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
