My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
