i was born a porn star she said
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I want a musical about memes.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Randomize
