apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
