a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
