Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Randomize
