I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
this must be what syphilis tastes like
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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