Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
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