Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
