I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
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