I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
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