No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Kareoke will never be a sober sport
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
My underwear smells like fireworks.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
