my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
i dont even know how to be here
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Randomize
