I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Randomize
