I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
