She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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