The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
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