who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
