dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
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