Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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