I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
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