As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Randomize
