Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Randomize
