rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
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