I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
